Sometimes All Those Racing Irrational Thoughts Leads You To Your Dream
May 10, 2021
I’m done with being afraid. It makes sense for some to be afraid, if you’ve lived through abuse, been hungry, worried about being able to survive the next day. I get it. I am lucky. I have had difficult moments to overcome in life that made me fearful. We all have especially women. It makes sense to be cautious when you are worried about survival. But now that I’m on the other side of what is the “Fear Zone” and into the “Learning and Growth Zone” I don’t want to go back.
If not me, than who? I declared that I was going to help save the earth by gathering one pieace of plastic at a time and I’m almost to 500 bags! I’ve encouraged a movement of climate activism in my small corner of the world and we’ve made real changes. Some of this is about plastic, but it’s also a metaphor about life. Not to waste life. Not to waste resources. To be creative. To free ourselves from the conventional life and conventional thinking, it order to tap into that authenic self in order to find true contentment and also to help save the earth. It’s all related.
It was a lovely weekend. We ate this dish I created yesterday which was sauteed shrimp, spinach, eggplant and carrots seasoned with olive oil, remainder of my home-made pesto, garlic and salt – and it was spread artistically over a baked potatoe. It looked like something out of a fancy Instagram post, but it was mostly a foodwaste project as I wanted to use the eggplant from the garden and had in the morning tried to be mindful and not waste energy and baked a few potatoes along with the sweet potatoes I had in the oven. We went to the local elementrary school and I jogged along a new path, as Mr. Plastic Picker practiced volleyball with our now Teen daughter. I wrote a strong letter of support for a fellow pediatrician for the “Hearing Committee” of the Air Pollution Control Board and his application is this week. He has an additional letter from the American Academy of Pediatrics from another pediatrician, and his application was already prepared and ready to be submitted. I did help with some of the application, but it was really all him. He just needed a nudge. And this week our AAP Climate Advocate Author group is presenting at the virtual panel “Children At Risk” to speak to our experience on built environments. And then I made another reconnection with another pediatrician working on climate, and we essentially have our fall speaker for our Climate Change and Health Journal Series.
But most of this weekend was spent cleaning the house, and I had fun reusing bits and parts of things I would have thrown away. I also used my home-made beer vinegar and our teen son said he is used to the smell now. It’s a natural smell and that is what cleanliness should smell like. I did some work as well, and after I finish this blog I’ll log on for an hour and catch up on work emails and charting. I am still an actual pediatrician, and I find joy in my work.
But most of this weekend was spent irrationally and manically texting a family member listings of properties that were kind of insane. 25 acres in Big Island that has 15 foster cows. 5 acres in Maui for 1.3 million which made no sense, since it cost so much to build in Maui even if you have the land. I’ve been thinking about 20 acres in east county but there is an endagnered bird on it, and I do want to save the bird but I’m not sure if I need to be the one to sit on that acreage plus it’s really hot there. But I stumbled back onto a dream that I forgot had been in my heart and Mr. Plastic Picker’s heart for years. One of the few places in the world that we’ve gone back to several times in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve periodically looked there for downtown condos and property, but it wasn’t the right time. But now that we are seriously looking at planning for the future, what we really want is to live near Mr. Plastic Picker’s best friend who lives in Whidbey Island part time.
It’s a dream, and I want this dream for my husband and my family and myself and our friends. There are risks. Of course there are risks. Buying land is risky. Are there water rights? Is the lot buildable? I went to sleep last night and almost put that dream away. But I woke up this morning and I know that I still want that dream. He worked all weekend. Mr. Plastic Picker is the son of hard working immigrants. His father worked in Saudi Arabia and Australia as a skilled crane operator and was away from his own family for years, savings money so that he could provide them a better life. And then he brought that family to the United States, and the little six year old boy went to Crimson University and is now Mr. Plastic Picker. Mr. Plastic Picker was a writer in his youth, and then became a specialist specialist physician. You can be married to someone for decades and still not know their true selves. But for all my crazy meanderings along the beach and my work, one of the funamental parts of myself (one of the pillars of my truth and my identity) is that I fell in love with a college junior part because he was super cute and I wanted my children to look like him but partly because I fell in love with his character and how hard-working he is. And he works so hard. He worked all weekend, extra shift after extra shift. He had to go into the hospital and successfully saved a baby, and never made much of a fuss about any of it. But I see it. I see how hard he works. And he doesn’t need to do any of it anymore. We have enough money. But I know he will continue to work, because he’s a son of a father who went to Saudi Arabia and then Austalia to operate ginormous cranes to feed four children back in South Korea who probably forgot what he looked like. And as a father, he came back and got them and brought them to the United States. When you have that history, how can you not take the extra overtime shift?
So he works and I am silly Dr. Plastic Picker trying to save the earth, and using some of our money responsibly. But I’m willing to try to attain this dream for him. His best friend who lives on Whidbey Island is one of the few people that he truly likes. You know that kind of true friend. And I think it would be great for them to see eachother now and again in their old age, rather than just once every five years. And I know my husband. So we will go along this process of buying land near his friend, and go through this process of building a house maybe for the long-term goal of having a place near his friend. And it is just money. And I’m good with money. And eventhough I could retire tomorrow I won’t. I’m willing to work too to make this dream a reality for him. Thank you for listening to my thoughts. The blogging in the early morning, helps me to figure out life and our family’s dreams.