June 19, 2021

by drplasticpicker

My baby sister texted me to ask me if I was okay. I’ll call her later this weekend and touch base. I had a really difficult child protection situation this week, that I’m still kind of processing. But it was an exhausting 48 hours emotionally for various reasons. I’ve learned that for me in my 40s, it’s better to imagine myself like gumby rather than teflon in terms of the emotional burdens we carry as healers.

I had cried the entire night home after that day in clinic, quietly though. I had processed some of it with clinic friends. I was able to parent my children and get a fitful night of sleep. I had a slight headache the morning afterwards but able to send our monthly newsletter with joy. It was so pretty. I made some trash art which was helpful.

The trash art piece really helped me. It’s the Wooga Wooga man. Trying to scare bad people away. I imagined myself this creature when I was a child. I realize that now. Making scary facies to scare the evil away.

But I’m so much stronger now than I was before. I absolutely never realized that this journey would lead me to truly try to understand myself. It’s only through understanding yourself that you can lead. Leaders who are self-aware, are the ones that can bring their departments to a collective-awareness. In the end, leadership is about building other leaders.

I think that cathartic episode and realizing I could process it as a gumby like figure, and that it didn’t break me – has given me a marked clarity I haven’t had probably since this journey started two years ago.

What am I running away from? Going to the beach and environmentalism was never about running away. It has been about running toward something. I run toward the beach. I run toward the heart of where I see mother earth, which is the ocean. It’s where I hear her heartbeat. It’s a non-religious but spiritual thing for me, going to the shore. I don’t need to see her as often as I used to, but I’ll try to run there this morning. When I sit there, I literally hear the heartbeat of the earth. I clean the plastic I see, but I still feel this living being of our planet and I’m guided in terms of what to do next.

I’m not a child anymore. I’ve worked through so many issues on the blog and through my trashart, and through my activism. I’ve done amazing things. I’m almost at bag #476 collected on the beach. I’m built up a motley crew of pediatric environmentalists that are doing real changes. I’ve re-engaged in mentorship and forgot how much joy I had in it. I had won a teaching award during my chief residency year, and even then I didn’t truly appreciate it. Now I do.

So I made a decision. Just a general one and no specifics, because I don’t know the specifics. I’ve decided to stay in. I’m staying in the management game, the leadership track. Our organization is so vast is that there are many possibilities, but I’m going to go where I can make the biggest impact for the planet. And that is it. It’s a restart today.