Going to Do Photo-Op With Supervisor Nora Vargas Today!!! Showing Up is so important.
July 29, 2021
I had more middle-management nonsense yesterday to deal with. I usually don’t let minor personality issues bother me, as I can usually work with most people. But we heard a set of data yesterday and I tried to peel back the layers of things and figure out what went wrong and is going wrong. The set of data basically said that poor babies are not getting their vaccines. The issue is a set of people have not been hired, and another set of people who have been hired and recruited by me can’t work unless the first set are in the system. That is it. That’s the entire point. I know it’s a systemic issue and there are always excuses, but I needed to know the why. My questions may have bothered people, and sometimes it seems like we are asked to do impossible tasks in middle management. I was asked to do a seemingly impossible task almost five years ago, but I did it. This I felt was a safe meeting (at least I feel safe) but I guess I’m somehow intimidating. I had a long and exhausting conversation about middle-management nonsense afterwards and we moved forward somewhat. I’m still frustrated because in the end poor babies still aren’t getting their vaccines and my hands are tied in terms of pulling levers to fix that issue, and even if the team works well together and I somehow stop appearing intiminidating to folks – in the end we didn’t move forward.
That makes me sad. The entire situation makes me sad. Mr. Plastic Picker says it takes two to clap, and I used to feel that everything was my fault. But now I know it is not. I’m not paid enough to shoulder all the responsibility for this. I sat through three hours of meetings that others have not bothered to show up at, to digest and hear the information. But this information is important. I’m still on the hamster wheel, and I’m trying not to lash out at the other hamsters on the wheel.
Accepting ones anger is very important. It’s a part of me, and embracing it and acknowledging it are part of my healing process. In the end I ended this intense and tiresome conversation with, “I have absolutely no agenda. I just want to get these babies of disenfranchised communities their vaccines. And I decided to be happy two years ago and to be happy, I need to be able to have my say. I’ll change my delivery a bit because it seems we have cultural and communication issues. You should have seen me with Dr. O, it was like world-war three but we got things done. We pushed ourselves and we solved fundamental process issues. You are tired. I am tired. We are still in the middle of a historic pandemic.” And we left with mutual respect but I am still very annoyed. So I vented to Mr. Plastic Picker, and when I say vented – I mean vented. He understands because some of the same issues come up in his department, but not with the personality issues.
Recovering from burn-out as a physician, I found my passion in environmental advocacy. I bring the same passion and committment to my middle-management work because I do care about babies of poor families and I care about vaccines. Right now my true and healed self is having a detente with middle-management, and no matter what my true and healed self will win – because I’m not willing to compromise my health nor my fundamental belief in my own effectiveness and irreverence. I’m keeping my eye on the prize, which is healing the earth and reducing health-care cost and improving child health. I get things done. I finish things. I move things forward. And I know I can do this anywhere, inside or outside of middle-managment. I do not seek the spotlight, I just seek results. So the system will decide. The other hamsters will decide.
And today because I show up at meetings that I’m not even required to show up, I was invited to be in a photo-op for California Vaccine Week with Supervisor Nora Vargas. I’m going to wear a pretty but professional dress, and a white coat. I’ll smile with a bit of extra concealer. I’m really excited! There was another photo-op I was supposed to be at as part of the HMO machinery, and then again there were now upper-management nonsense and somehow a urologist has power to designate the flu speaker? Ridiculous. But I held my tongue. But then this came up. They needed someone in very short notice and I’m volunteering my time as part of the AAP. That it’s an interesting new experience is also why I’m doing it. It may be my only chance to meet a local young rising politician that I’ve been following and admire.
Then we also got a very generous offer for our downtown condo. Padres are doing really well, and multiple people fell in love with this property. It was never a great buy but I definitely made some ca-ching ching! I’ll pay back my family member for the rest of the balance I owe him for the Oregon farm and I’ll have some extra. We are going to renovate the little guest cabin that is on the property and update the carpets and flooring downstairs. We are actually going up for a week and minivan is booked. We are so excited.
So that was my day yesterday. Middle-management frustrations to the EXTREME. I’m actually considering early retirement from middle-management, at least that is how I’m going to spin it. But I’m here and I’ll help get the department through the rest of this pandemic. I’m not going to leave the team. I need to elevate people who care about poor babies who haven’t gotten their vaccines. Everyone says they care, but do they really care? Do they care with their heart and soul? Or are they too distracted. I don’t know. I no longer presume to judge, just to support but also to tell the truth about how I see the world now that I’m better after picking up also 550 bags of trash and without caffeine fueling my system. Time has slowed down for me, and I see my world very clearly. Hugs to you all and thank you for following along.